Thursday, July 28, 2011

Smash365: Dreams

Jul 28, 2011 by cara moulds

If you are going to create anyway, if you cannot avoid dreaming, then why not create a beautiful dream?  Why not dream well and really enjoy your dream?  If you can believe in your limitations, then why not believe in the beauty and power of life that’s flowing through you? – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Fifth Agreement

What is a limitation you believe you have?  What would happen if you believed the opposite?

I believe that I’m a bad person. I believe that for all my ability and accomplishment, deep inside, I have rotted and I have nothing of value to offer. That anyone involved with me would be better off without me… and this terrifies me. I believe that my presence is a detriment. I believe that what I want is utterly selfish. That wanting anything is selfish.  I fear that I only want for me and not for other people though I know I give in return.  I believe that wanting anything for myself makes me selfish and therefore bad.

Oddly, I’ve accepted this even as I fight it.

I accept that I want certain things. I question whether I deserve them. Whether I have a right to ask for them, even as I ask for them or reach for them. I don’t just take though. I do give in return, probably much, much more than I take. Still I wonder if it’s enough. I don’t know if I’ll ever internalize a feeling of acceptance. It’s cause for a lot of my internal conflict. Cause for a lot of my inner guilt.

Somewhere in my reading of Eastern philosophy I read that to receive is as virtuous as to give. It allows another to feel the gift of giving when you allow yourself to be open to what they would share.

If I could embrace this, I would be less burdened. Happy.


  1. It is a difficult thing, to accept ones self. I fall into the "not good enough" trap, alot more than I would like to. But, I would like to reitterate something. NO ONE, would be better off without YOU. Your blogs proof this. Many have gone to your posts seeking answers that they can identify with. You provide that on Borderline. And here, you share yourself with a world audience. That, in my opinion, is the exact opposite of selfish.

  2. I definitely can relate to the rotted feeling. One of the reasons that contributed to me leaving my children. I truly believed they would be "better off" without me because I was so "decrept and rotted" that all I would do is cause them pain. It's even kept me from trying to reach out to them at times because I think I have nothing to offer why would they want to know me. Why would anyone.

  3. Yep, I feel totoally useless and worthless, especially as a mother. My daughter hates me...she has BPD too. I guess it is just the dynamics of the whole situation. Her dad is BPD...I am more D.I.D. with some BPD traits. My therapists think I have more of an attachment disorder than full blown BPD. All I know is that is sucks BIG TIME. The thing with my daughter is so shocking...because we used to be such good friends. We would do things together, go out together, and now total abandonment by her and it is killing me inside.

  4. Thank you ib! Your words really mean a lot to me. I even mentioned your comment to my therapist last night. It helps me a lot to hear those kind words. I really appreciate it.

    @Maasiyat... Well I can say with certainty that the world would not be better off without you. Having someone that I am able to relate to so thoroughly really helps me feel less alone in this world, which is something I'm very grateful for. I hope someday you'll be able to internalize the idea that you are wanted and loveable... and maybe be able to reunite with your kids.

    @Dev... How old is your daughter? When my BPD first presented I was 12. My relationship with my family went to complete shit. Where I had previously been the perfect daughter I began lashing out, alienated my entire family and refused any relationship with my parents and siblings. However! This changed when I was about 18. I was able to figure out some control in my life and my relationship with my family changed completely. My sister is my best friend in the world and I get along wonderfully with my brother and parents again. Don't lose hope! I can only imagine how devastating it must feel to be on the alienated side of the disorder looking in but there's definitely hope that when she gets a little older and learns a little control that she'll be able to make the kinds of changes that will allow her to be receptive to you again.

  5. Haven, our daughter is 32...but she has Tourette's Syndrome and some learning disablities. She lived with us for 28 years! Up until then we got a long fairly well. I think the problem with her is that she never individuated and her emotinal maturity according to our therapist is about 15-16. So she thinks she is rebelling. She wants to blame us for everything bad that is happening in her life. She sends us all these ugly texts and calls us such horrible names. It really does hurt. The therapist says she HAS to take responsibility for her choices and that we can no longer be her enablers. It just really hurts. Thank you for saying 'Don't lose hope'. That is where we were earlier this morning. But, since I saw our therapist, I am not feeling as desperate! She said as long as she is alive there is always hope! Thank you for your reply. I really do appreciate it! Take care.

  6. I meant every word young Sith. Every word. Your welcome but, thank you.

  7. Hi Haven, I just recently found your blog and have been reading it constantly. When I read this post, I had to comment. It brought me to tears reading it because I feel the same way. Seeing it written out really brought it home. Thank you for creating and publishing this blog.