Nothing to Lose: #Trust30 - Day 2

Nothing to Lose

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, out inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

(Author: Tanner Christensen)

I sensor myself for practical reasons, though I can feel it stifling the life from my very being as I do it.

Self-abandonment. No wonder I always feel so removed from my sense of self. I’m denying a part of it, effectively abandoning me to the roadside of my personality. Fail.

I would love to let my inner child out to play. Unfortunately my inner child has something of a temper and it’s best to keep her reigned in when necessary. Is this censorship? Perhaps. Is it necessary? Only, if I want to keep my friends and family from finding another playground. So often I want to rage, scream, laugh, cry… and I hold it in. If I release my self-control in one area, it’s harder for me to control myself in other areas where I absolutely need to maintain my calm exterior. My mask is collected and cool and provides a very competent face to show to the audience I surround myself with. Without this persona I would have a more difficult time functioning in the real world, with real people, who lead relatively normal lives and don’t have my mental mountains to climb.

Why have I chosen this audience? I honestly don’t know some days. I’m dissatisfied with my job and it’s lack of creativity, but I understand the dynamic and I can suit myself to the environment easily enough. Maybe I don’t know who I really am enough. It’s easy for me to observe a situation and analyze the best way to fit in. It’s easier for me to put on a costume. If my acting isn’t sufficient than it’s not necessarily me that’s failed, but my ability to maintain a persona that isn’t actually me. I’m not judged, my created character is. Censoring myself is a means to protect. 

Nothing to fear, nothing to lose. I would burn the world in effigy and watch in turn to ash and cinder as I painted the most beautiful portraits of death in destruction. Death of my social life. If I had no censor I would drive away all those around me with the shear acidity of caustically raining words that move me into tactlessness. I like my friends. I'd like to keep my friends. It may be more a betrayal of self to not censor myself in some ways.

I think the world would be a very unfriendly place, well, even less friendly, if we didn’t censor ourselves on some level. Either that or we would be a race of the most hyper-efficient robot humans ever. Hmmmm…..