G is for Gay and G is for Guilt

… but not the kind  you might think. I have straight guilt. Or guilt that comes about when I am in a straight, heterosexual relationships.

Hi. I’m Haven. I am not, nor have I ever been: Straight. I know, shocker right? I guess if I have to I would say that I am “Bi”-Sexual, but I really hate the stigma associated with that. Really, I’m just sexual. I date people based on whether or not there is a mutual attraction present. The rest is just anatomy and that isn’t usually that important to me.

Usually.

Admittedly I have more problems dating men then dating women. I’ve never had the trauma with women that I’ve had with men. When I realized I was attracted to women, I never questioned it, I just started dating women to be sure. It was a struggle for me to realize how much I wasn’t typically attracted to men. There was a period for a few years where I honestly did think I was a lesbian.

And sometimes, even now, I recognize that I do enjoy sex with some men, but when it comes to relationships, I definitely prefer the dynamic I have with women. I trust it more. I feel more like myself.

I don’t feel like I’m denying a part of who I am. Which is where the guilt comes in when it comes to me dating men. For as much as I adore the guy I’m with now, and for as much as I’ve liked some of the men in my past, I always feel like something is missing for me. I feel like I’m denying a part of who I am because I can’t have an aspect of what I’m attracted to in the partner I’ve currently picked.

And then I feel guilt on top of my guilt, because I feel like I’m being unfair to the person that I’m with. I give them everything I’m able to give, but because there’s that inkling of “what if” and “where is the rest of me”, I’m afraid I’m being false to them. It doesn’t really make me do anything differently, but I’m aware that there is something there, or not there, as the case may be.

I wonder if anyone else who has a fluid sexuality ever feels this.  

I also wanted to highlight this spot that Brandon over at My Own Private Idaho posted today. It’s an anti-bullying campaign created by gay Mormon students at BYU. As mentioned before I am anti-religion personally, but I found this message of hope and acceptance incredibly touching. Have  look.