Fire Up: #Trust30 - Day 8

Fire Up by Ben von Burg

“Books are the best of things, well used. What is the right use? What is the one end, which all means go to effect? They are for nothing but to inspire.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a writer, your only duty is to be original, to inspire, to put something new on paper. Don’t be reasonable – your job is to to fire up people’s imaginations, to give them permission to dream, and to lift their heads up to the incredible sight of the stars. They may forget what you wrote about – but they won’t forget how you made them feel.

It’s your turn now. Dream, be unreasonable and write what comes to you for 15 minutes.

(Author: Ben von Burg)

Energy soaring. My heart swollen, filling my chest, pounding up into my throat. Internal monologue set to pulsing, pounding upbeat music sets me to smiling as my feet follow the rhythm banging in my brain. Happiness. Is it an unreasonable thought? It shouldn’t be. For someone like me that’s only caught glimpses and hints of what this ought to be but in a way that’s almost manic. A feeling of euphoria that sets my mind writhing. What I’d really like is to know something simpler. To be content. Happy. In a deeper sense. Not just a momentary high. At the end of the day, I’d love to return to some place that is not transient, that is mine, that is home. To walk through that door, greeted by someone I feel safe with. Safe in their arms and in their love. Unreasonable. Reasonable for me is to feel the pain and abuse that comes with love driven to obsession. I don’t know real romantic love without pain. Without the wild ride that comes from a rollercoaster of emotion reeling wildly off of its own tracks. I want to feel pleasure – no, not pleasure – simply pleased to know what it is to find a lasting contentment. To languish in a love that does not harrow the heels of hate and hurt.

Oh, who am I kidding. I revel in the ups and the downs. I think I crave the highs so much because I’ve been so low. I worry that without the requisite pain the soothing balm of ecstasy won’t seem to sweet. I would like to find it though. To live a life high on love, a drug I can’t withdraw from. Wild and free.

“The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

~Moulin Rouge

Change Your Thinking: #Trust30 - Day 7 (a day late)

Change Your Thinking by Maryellen Smith

“If you can’t change your fate, change your attitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

At any given point in time, you’re only one thought away from changing your thinking. What thought can you change today?

(Author: Maryellen Smith)

This is essentially how I’ve decided to approach most of the trauma in my life; approach my life in general. What’s that saying? No one can make you a victim unless you allow it. This is a concept I adapted so long ago that I believe I’ve actually internalized it. I attribute this also to why I adapt and adjust so quickly when bad things happen.  What is, is. What’s done, is done.  I could bury myself in the past or move on into the future. I choose to continue moving forward. I choose to take the things I’ve been throguh, regardless of their nature, their reality, and turn them to my advantage, towards my personal growth. Even the abuse I’ve sustained I refuse to allow permanence in my actions. That’s not to say some days I don’t slip back, I do, but I don’t stay stuck there. I take what I’ve been through, what I’ve learned, and try to apply it to my future becoming a stronger version of me.

I refuse to be a victim.

(I'll be doing today's Trust30 as well once I get back from my entire morning of meetings and presentations.)

Original Thought: #Trust30 - Day 6

Original Thought by Michael Brajkovich

“The arts and inventions of each period are only its costume, and do not invigorate men.”

Think of the last time that you thought, said, or did something that was original. What inspired or invigorated this?

(Author: Michael Brajkovich)

I want to take a look at this quote…. because I completely disagree. The art and invention of the times absolutely invigorate men. Does anyone recall a little period of time called the Rennaisance? I may not have lived in that time, but I live my life invigorated by the art that I pursue. Art makes me feel alive. Being able to express what I have roiling an writhing inside of me helps clear my mind and allows me to live each day more freely. It’s something that I’ve come to realize is crucial for my continued existence. The days I am incapable of pursuing my artistic passions are the days I feel the most lethargy. The build up of stress and pressure weighs down my body and limbs to the point where I want nothing more than to curl up in my own big bed and hide from the world. Art, the things I create, allow me to decompress, de-stress, haul my ass out of bed and embrace the life that I have. 

I costume/sew, cook and bake, draw, dabble in sculpture and most important to me currently,  I paint. For most of these things I’m not half bad and they are absolutely the things that I come home for. They’re what makes my life worth living.

If it weren’t for the inventions of man we’d still be stuck in an Age of Darkness. Art may not have a functional purpose but I’d argue that it’s purpose is to drive man to function. To see something of beauty, or at least of interest, opens the mind to creative ideas and from those ideas bud the fruits of the artistic and technological revolution that we’re currently living in. To say that art and invention do not invigorate man, is a lie.

Ordinary Things: #Trust30 - Day 5

Ordinary Things by Ana Guardia

“Every artist was first an amateur.”

To be an artist one has to find beauty in ordinary things. Find 10 things of great beauty in the landscape that surrounds you. For example, crumple sheets on your bed in the morning, the smell of coffee making its way around a busy office.

(Author: Ana Guardia)

Since I began painting I’ve begun to see the world differently. I see each things as they are, but also in the colors and shapes that compose it.

My cat, purring softly, greeting me first thing in the morning

Satin silk, smooth and supple, of my deep violet curtains brushing my cheek as a morning breeze flows through my bedroom window

Soft slippery bubbles sliding over olive tanned skin while I shower at the gym

The undiluted taste of tea, burnt sienna, slightly bitter and clean

The stark contrast of a vivid blue sky against the budding flora

Yellow-white sun reflecting off the sharply shaped buckeye leaves

A translucent green spider, speckled with black and white crawling across my windshield

My book coarse and heavy in my hands with its scent unique to pressed paper that suffuses a bookstore or  library

Beige suede car seats warmed in the afternoon sun with the sound of locusts chittering on the horizon

Even the air feels firm and has it’s own hazy hue, thick and comforting like a gentle hand playing softly over my skin

I like this exercise. This day is very typical of my work week and yet, look at all the little beautiful things I have to appreciate in it.

Poem: Engulfment

Ok, I haven't written poetry since college but sometimes the way I write speaks to me poetically. After rereading the post I did on Engulfment I wanted to take some of the pieces and put them to verse and this is what I came up with. Good or bad, I think it captures what it is.

Engulfment

In the ebb and flow we try to hold on. Desperate,

devoted, evasive and subversive: Counter-dependent.

Rocky nights a death grip, quick

clutches my heart; drowns it in a bath of ice.

Lungs constricting, only thinking, how to make right

which wrong was done. Self-worth rides

on one small smile to bring us back into balance. Except;

there is none there to begin with. Only him

leading me to madness, the insanity wraps

around my mind like a shroud: Obsession.

A thick fog occludes my world.

One figure focused

two feet in front of you. Nothing

more, nothing less; nothing else matters.

Hectic and Craze

My blogging, reading, and commenting this week is going to be very slow if I can manage it at all. I have a major design presentation on Monday and the amount of analysis I'm being bombarded with is intense. I'm trying not to drown under the stress and pressure. I'm seriously almost too stressed out to do the work I need to do. The thought of it is making me anxious.

I want Monday to be over. Seriously, if I get through this I'm taking half a day off work and getting a little tattoo behind my ear. Rocket. 50's clip art style. I've wanted it forever.

Not the actual tattoo but close

Legacy - #Trust30: Day 4

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

One definition of legacy is what someone feels, thinks and says when they hear your name. What are you doing today to build the legacy you want?

(Author: Tim Belber)

Part One:  

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

I’m not sure what it means to be me. Who I am. I do, and I don’t. I am so mutable depending on who I’m with, where I am, that it’s sometimes hard for me to really settle into my own skin. I put on so many plays, changing masks almost effortlessly, avoiding mirrors so as not to see who is really staring back at me. I’m never sure who I’ll see. When I’m alone though, this I believe is when I am at my most and least comfortable. I have no one to pretend for, no one to play to. And the worst part is, I don’t know why I do this. Anyone that is worth being close to should like me for who I am, yes? Truth. My shifts from my base are subtle, really. A tempering. I do hold to this principle. You can like me and stay with me, or we are not compatible and I don’t need you in my life. When I am amongst strangers I am at my strongest. I don’t care what they think and I can act as I see fit, be how I want to be, me. It’s when I get close to people, truly value them, want them to value me, that I begin to change. I begin to fear losing them. Begin to fear that who I am will no longer be enough. Despite the break in logic that if I were not good enough they would not have stuck around in the first place. Messy, messy this whole, trying to be myself in a world that doesn’t often accept the kind of person I am. I am at once, defiant and accommodating; open but masked.

Part Two:

I’ve never considered that I would have a legacy. I don’t believe my presence on this Earth is exceptional or meaningful. I mean, it is to those that know and care about me, but in the grand scheme of things, I’m just one more creature roaming this world, waiting for my timeline to end.

Maybe I don’t have the kind of ambition it takes to desire something of this magnitude. Or maybe my belief that there must be a quantitative significance to something to call it a legacy is incorrect. 

I suppose, for as silly as it sounds, my other blog Beyond the Borderline Personality, is something of a legacy. For what I’ve chosen to do with it, it’s been a major investment in time and energy. I truly hope and believe that I’ve had an impact on people in a positive way because of the information and insight that I provide.  I hope when my followers think about me and my blog they think I’ve done some good.

Out in the real world, I suppose I would hope that people value my intelligence and creativity. I want to be thought of as a loving friend that does things I love for the benefit of those around me. These aren’t necessarily huge things. Just things like my creative costuming, the kinds of food I make…. Oh! I know what I want my legacy to be. Dark Lady of Geekdom. I want my Sith persona to blow peoples minds. I want my costume to be so out of this world that I put all other geeks and gamers to shame and they bow down before the magnificence of my geekery ::grins:: Ok, maybe being the geekiest geek in all of geekdom is a rather lofty goal. I do think it would be total win if people were to think of me and appreciate the outcome of all of my time, effort, and skill that I put into making my costume, sabers, and persona. It’s such a fun thing for me, it makes me happy, which is what really matters. Maybe what I really want my legacy to be is for when people to think about me they say: She was happy.