G is for Gay and G is for Guilt

… but not the kind  you might think. I have straight guilt. Or guilt that comes about when I am in a straight, heterosexual relationships.

Hi. I’m Haven. I am not, nor have I ever been: Straight. I know, shocker right? I guess if I have to I would say that I am “Bi”-Sexual, but I really hate the stigma associated with that. Really, I’m just sexual. I date people based on whether or not there is a mutual attraction present. The rest is just anatomy and that isn’t usually that important to me.

Usually.

Admittedly I have more problems dating men then dating women. I’ve never had the trauma with women that I’ve had with men. When I realized I was attracted to women, I never questioned it, I just started dating women to be sure. It was a struggle for me to realize how much I wasn’t typically attracted to men. There was a period for a few years where I honestly did think I was a lesbian.

And sometimes, even now, I recognize that I do enjoy sex with some men, but when it comes to relationships, I definitely prefer the dynamic I have with women. I trust it more. I feel more like myself.

I don’t feel like I’m denying a part of who I am. Which is where the guilt comes in when it comes to me dating men. For as much as I adore the guy I’m with now, and for as much as I’ve liked some of the men in my past, I always feel like something is missing for me. I feel like I’m denying a part of who I am because I can’t have an aspect of what I’m attracted to in the partner I’ve currently picked.

And then I feel guilt on top of my guilt, because I feel like I’m being unfair to the person that I’m with. I give them everything I’m able to give, but because there’s that inkling of “what if” and “where is the rest of me”, I’m afraid I’m being false to them. It doesn’t really make me do anything differently, but I’m aware that there is something there, or not there, as the case may be.

I wonder if anyone else who has a fluid sexuality ever feels this.  

I also wanted to highlight this spot that Brandon over at My Own Private Idaho posted today. It’s an anti-bullying campaign created by gay Mormon students at BYU. As mentioned before I am anti-religion personally, but I found this message of hope and acceptance incredibly touching. Have  look.

Sexuality

Happy Pride Everyone!

Most anyone that knows me considers me bisexual. Personally I hate the term. It’s so stigmatized in both the homo and hetero culture I’m a little irritated by the label. If decided where I fall on the Kinsey Scale of sexual preference that I fall a little to the right of sexual neutrality; which basically means I don’t discriminate. I’d rank about a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale. My preference is women but I do find myself entangled with men more often than I’d like.

KINSEYS HETEROSEXUAL-HOMOSEXUAL RATING SCALE

0- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual

1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual

4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

6- Exclusively homosexual

So why am I not satisfied with a designation of bisexual? One: Bi implies two choices of sexuality identification and that’s just not right. It doesn’t compensate to include the range of transgendered, transsexual and genderqueered.  All of which I have been attracted to at some point. Really I should just consider myself all around queer. 

The stigma surround the term bisexual is so obnoxious.

From the hetero community you get:

Guys assuming you’re ok and interested in a threesome with another woman. That automatic assumption that individual experience is open to include others.

Generally more promiscuous (ok, well, I might very well be, but it’s not because of my sexuality).

Where’d this come from? Party favors. What’s a party favor? Some dumb drunk broad at a frat party making out with girls to turn on their boyfriends and calling herself bi because of it. Not that there’s anything wrong with drunkenly making out with chicks if that’s what you’re into, but in my opinion, this does not make you bi. It makes you drunk. And lacking self-esteem.

From the homo community:

The assumption we’re just experimenting. Hate this. I know very well that I like women. I don’t know very well that I like men (not as people, clearly some guys are rockin, but to be in relationships with). However it’s almost always assumed that being bi is a phase until you’ve made a choice one way or the other.

Another gripe. If I’m in a hetero relationship with a guy, people consider me bi.  Still. If I’m in a homosexual relationship people begin to refer to me as a lesbian. Honestly if I have my idea I will be with a woman for life but I won’t consider myself a lesbian because I am not solely attracted to women.

I am attracted to people. I’m attracted to traits, interests, characteristics, a persons MIND… all of which have little to do with anatomy. What grabs my attention is someone’s attitude and demeanor. What holds me is their substance.

Everything else is just anatomy and I don’t find that to be particularly important. 

Pride!

"New York governor signs same-sex marriage bill into law..."

So. Excited. Not that I believe I will ever get married but if I did find someone crazy enough to stay with me for that long at least I can know I’ll be allowed to choose openly and freely.  Some days I really do love living in New York.