A Delightfully Uneventful Weekend =)

Wow, would you look at that, my weekend was “normal”. I declined an invitation to hang out with Tech Boy on Friday night. I was tired from stress and frankly super self-conscious. The weather has been changing and it really dries out my skin. My finger cracked and my lip cracked and I was embarrassed by how it looked.  He didn’t care but not going out in public because of an uncomfortable physical flaw is one of my more rational anti-social seclusions into self-consciousness. Egads. I drank too much wine, listened to Roommate and her bf talk about the problems with biblical inconsistencies (which was absolutely hysterical) and played my video games. I had a nice mellow night.

Saturday I woke up at 7:15a.m., still managed to get to the gym a bit late (8:05a.m.), and only had time for a 50 minute run before my 1.5 hour weights/core/abs class. My ass and my shoulders are still sore! Great workout. My body is feeling really good right now. I’m very happy with the direction my workout intensity is going.

Saturday night, Tech Boy wanted to hang out with some friends he has at work and catch a Billy Joel cover band. Come on, who doesn’t love Billy Joel? I was skeptical because it was St. Patrick’s Day, and if you know me, you know that while I may be very Irish, I HATE St. Patrick. Asshole.

He picked me up and took me to a silly nice restaurant. It was much classier than we’d expected. Almost laughably so. Right down to the valet parking that required a 10 foot drive to settle the car. Seriously? Yeah, we spent half the dinner making fun of the ambiance and pretending to be snooty. Class. We’ve got it. Right =}

He bought me dinner. He’s been doing this more and more. When we first started “hanging out” it was always split even,  paying for what we consumed so we never owed each other anything. Lately he’s been buying my drinks, paying for dinners and generally being a gentleman about such things. It’s unexpected in a really sweet way. Not that I’d let him get away with that all the time. I have to be all liberated and stuff occasionally. Not that he’d be able to forget it considering how I’ve been ranting about politics and women’s reproductive rights lately.

There’s another rant that came up that I’ll share in another post.

But yeah, I was driving for the night anyways, and he appreciated that.  We went to some bar, there were lots of drinks for him. I only had two beers and cut myself off super, super early. Being a designated driver means I probably shouldn’t have even had that, but two drinks over the course of 6 hours isn’t going to register on a breathalyzer so I figured I was fine.

We met up with one of the guys from work (another group) that he’s friends with. I’d seen this guy around but I don’t pay attention to people unless they get in my face. Some people think this is snobby. I think I’m just awkward and don’t know how to talk to people I don’t know and really want to avoid it at all costs if I can. So if I had any questions about whether some people from work knew about us, well, someone definitely does now. We’re basically an open “secret” at this point anyways. That’s what Tech Boy says. I’m choosing to remain oblivious. It’s easier for me to pretend that people don’t know. It’s easier for me to pretend that people don’t notice me at all. Which is apparently ludicrous because I’m kind of hard to miss in the environment that I’m working.

I’m feeling all gooey about him lately. I had a tremendous amount of guilt when I told him I didn’t want ot hang out Friday night. Worries that he’d be upset (even though we really had non prior plans), or that he’d find someone else to be with that would make more time for him – girl wise… I know I’m silly. These are the things that run through my mind. We got back from the bar pretty late and my gooey girly guts started leaking out. We crawled into bed and he wrapped himself around me. I couldn’t resist telling him that I had a lot of fun but this was still my favorite part of the night. Even better was when he agreed. I still think stuff like that are lines that men have learned to say back, but still. It’s sweet to hear.

Waking up. ::sigh:: I just, can’t get over how much I love sleeping with him. Feeling his lips on the back of my neck, his chest pressed against me. It drives me the best kind of crazy. When did I become so sappy? ::deeper sigh::

Eventually he left but he was coming back later. I made a big dinner for him, Roommate, and her bf. Pork Tenderloin with Caramelized Pears and a Pear Brandy Cream Sauce, Wild Mushroom Risotto, and sautéed Green Beans with Toasted Almonds. The risotto and the green beans were fabulous. I’m told the pork tenderloin was perfect (I’m strict vegetarian remember – no pork for me).  Cooking is an art form for me.  It’s also pretty zen. I love the creative process, even though sometimes my grocery trips fill me with a fantastic rage (people in grocery stores are seriously stupid sometimes). I love setting everything out. Prepping my space. Gathering all my ingredients together. Pulling it all together in one glorious presentation. And finally watching other people enjoy something that I made just for them. I love cooking for people. It makes me happy.

It makes me sad when I have to go to bed though. I still have anxiety about sleeping. Especially about sleeping alone. I need to read my book to fall asleep. And my cat if he can be bothered to curl up with me.

Monday always comes too quick. Why can’t we have more 3 day weekends?  So yeah, normal normal normal. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I did e-mail K on Friday night. I was a little drunk.  Lamenting my poor decisions that cost me her friendship in exchange for the disfunction I had with Friend. All I said was, “You were right. I’m sorry.” I didn’t expect to hear back from her. She replied with, “I honestly don’t know what to say to that.” I told her she didn’t have to say anything if she didn’t want to but I wanted her to know. ::sigh:: I wish more than most things that we could be friends again. It’s a futile wish, I know, but it still hurts that I made such a big mistake with her. So just one impulsive decision in a weekend that could have been filled with impulsive decisions. I’m not sorry I made this one either. Though I fluxuated wildly at the time.

There’s always something. I’m just glad those somethings are closer to nothings.

Weekend in Review: Trip Upstate

So this weekend the Lady Friend and I went upstate. She’s met the good majority of my NY friends but since she recently just moved back to my area of the state all of her friends are still back where she had gone to college. She really wanted me to meet her friends. As a consequence we had to go to them in order for me to do so.

I’ll admit I was not thrilled about the prospect. Not because I don’t want to meet her friends, but because the timing is really inopportune. I’m going on vacation shortly. I take the same vacation every year. It’s a large costuming event and  I need to finish sewing for it. The weather here has been absolutely unbearable though and since I have no AC it’s been extraordinarily difficult for me to get any sewing down (read: work up the motivation without dissolving into an angry puddle of sweat). I really needed the weekend to get stuff done but it was also the only weekend she’d have free for a long while as well. I should have said no, but I’m incapable of that apparently. Instead we compromised to go for Saturday and return Sunday. Oh, did I mention that I got to drive as well? She recently moved back in with her parents and her father didn’t like the idea of her taking her car upstate in the hot weather, and also refused to loan her one of his multiple other vehicles. Someone has control issues. Fortunately (?) my car works just fine. However, I also drive manual, which means I am the only one I know that can actually drive my car. Is driving stick a lost art? Is automatic just that much more common? Regardless, that’s how the day worked out.

We hit the road early and got into town for a late lunch at a delightful little organic deli. The food was fantastic and really hit the spot. Then we went across the street to do a little window shopping. I spotted an etched copper bracelet that I really loved but didn’t buy right away. I’m the kind of shopper that sees something (expensive) and goes about the rest of my day without purchasing it. If it’s still on my mind a few hours later, than I probably really want it and will go back.

So from there we decided spontaneously to go out to a couple wineries. The second winery wasn’t very good but it had a spectacular view being nestled back in the mountains. The first winery was amusing. We got there, and they were having some kind of event and were clearly understaffed. Eventually we started our tastings while listening to an open mic performer mangle some popular tunes. I will say though, the wine was really wonderful. Now, how this usually works is you take a look at the tasting menu, decide on the flight you want to try and pay accordingly. However, we also decided to purchase a bottle when we were done. When we went to have our flights and purchase rung up there was a problem with the register. The lady that runs the place was very nice and apologetic about the problem saying it would just be a minute. We had no worries at all as we had no place to be and were in very mellow moods (thanks in part to having just finished a flight of wine tastings). Her daughter comes over and is LOUD, abrasive, and condescending to her mother about what needs to be done for the register, the event, the this, the that…. It was like watching a reality tv show about a really obnoxious staten island princess. The mother was mortified and as a result we got our flights and our bottle of wine for free. Lovely! We made sure to tip her well. Lady Friend felt really bad for her. I was just amused at the whole thing.

We eventually get back to town and I am still thinking about the bracelet, which I purchase… along with a relatively expensive necklace that is just so perfect for Lady Friend that I decide on impulse that she has to have it. Lady Friend isn’t used to having people do this sort of thing for her, and probably I shouldn’t be so impulsive but what’s done is done and she loved the necklace. I’m not sure where this falls in terms of the relationship spectrum. What does buying jewelry for your not technically official girlfriend mean?

Then we went out for coffee (read: tea) to meet a friend, then off to dinner at a lovely gourmet teahouse to meet another. Again, fantastic food. Really, really delicious. Aaaaand her friend is Sith. We geeked out over Star Wars through most of dinner which was hysterical as Lady Friend refuses the obsession. From there we went a walk around town to a really old cemetery. I love cemeteries. The older the better. They’re so peaceful and beautiful. Then to a wine bar for more wine and chatting… then to more rowdy bar to play pool, I needed food, and get them more drunk (I was driving and needed to sober <~~~ Check it out being responsible).

It was weird. I felt very out of place the entire time. Maybe that’s just how people feel when they meet people they have no real knowledge of. This is not my element. Probably it was more due to the fact that I really didn’t want to be there. All the individual elements added up to a pleasant time, but the time seemed to drag on forever. I had something of an anxiety in the pit of my stomach just trying to fill up the empty spaces of time with things to do, words to say. It felt very forced. Maybe the timing was just bad, maybe this is just a transitionary relationship… I feel more detached than ever.

We woke up Sunday. I had bad dreams. Very bad dreams. I talk about my Evil-Ex occasionally. These dreams were about The One that affected me worse. It was so long ago I just wasn’t prepared for random dreams, emotions, and thoughts that I had since buried and moved on from. This put me in something of a funk all morning. I just wanted to lose myself in my head and think, ruminating on dreams, situations and scenarios. Iterations of things that have happened, might happen in the future, or may never ever occur but I played them out anyways. The Lady Friend wanted to go for a walk over the Hudson though, so this encroached on my destructive introspection.   She knew why I was so quiet but I felt bad for not being more entertaining while at the same time having absolutely no desire to be entertaining. I think I’m just not a very good girlfriend. I’m so preoccupied sometimes that I can’t always be concerned with what other people need.

Finally we made our trip back home. We did do a lot of talking during the drives. I haven’t yet told her explicitly that I’m BPD, but I’ve touched on almost all of the major aspects of my disorders. She seems to be very receptive. Idk. I’m not ready. So we hung out at my place, watched movies, she wrote/drew, I sewed/crafted and made my favorite Gorgonzola-Potato Soup. Seriously. This soup is phenomenal. I love it.

It was also my dad’s birthday so I gave him a call. I love my father. He says things like, “If it wasn’t for your mother, I’d be a political assassin b/c it’s the only way to get people to listen,” and “Republican “Christians” are destroying America. If Christ were alive today and living in America, he wouldn’t be Christian”. How can you claim to follow the teachings of Christ, and then support government programs that direct money into the pockets of the rich instead of investing in your fellow man? My dad’s an atheist. Talking to him is always fun.  

Oh what a weekend. I need a weekend off from my weekend off. This week I’m starting a cleanse, starting Middle Eastern Dance again, sewing, painting, crafting, more sewing…. Let’s see how much I can cram into a couple days, shall we?