An evening of Subconcious Cinema...

<Dream from last night.>

I was attending some theater performance. It was at a place where I was familiar like a school. In part this production was a ruse to keep me in one place. Someone was searching for me with the intent of killing me.  Somehow I knew this.

I exited the building when many people were leaving. I did my best to avoid attracting attention as I walked with people, getting lost in the crowd, to the road. When I finally got to the road I realized I’d need a ride to get away, to get anywhere. One man (whom I worked with) saw me but didn’t have his care yet so just waved. Another in a yellow jeep, pulled up and told me to get in.

<skip>

I was outside of the theater/school in an outdoor courtyard. I could see the ocean from where I was. There was a person there. Tall. Shadowed. Boring-Ex was there as well. The tall figure was holding a gun/rifle. I got the gun and intended to use it if need be. Boring-Ex came back to me and handed me a very lovely seashell. I felt like this was some kind of peace offering for me to remember good times. I saw a few other whole, and very lovely seashells on the ground. Picked them up and put them to the side of the courtyard. Something happened and I knew my life was in jeopardy. I shot Boring-Ex in the forehead. I took off. Somewhere I lost the gun.

I went back into the building. I was in a back dressing room/bathroom/classroom area. There were a ton of people milling around. I tried to sneak behind a back wall to hide and remain unnoticed by anyone passing through. Someone saw me and I knew it wouldn’t stay safe. As I was pushing my way out, someone else that was looking out for me pressed a small revolver into my hand because I had lost my larger gun. I would lose this too. He also gave me a utility style knife (like a swiss army knife will all the pull out things). One of the people that was looking at me was a thin blonde woman.  Every second I stayed where I was I felt the impending confrontation coming closer and closer. I ran through rooms, pushing through people, squeezing through the most unlikely exits to get someplace I couldn’t be tracked or found. No matter where I went I was never safe for long.

I finally got to one area. I walked up stairs. There were a lot of people standing in the hall and stairway. I opened the door and it was a dance studio; bright lights, hardwood floor, ballet rail, wall of mirrors. I ran to the other side and ducked into a utility closet. The blonde woman, in an attempt to disguise herself did herself up in some pretty tacky make-up and an obvious, yet still blonde, wig. I knew she was coming and started fumbling with the utility knife. All the pull outs were useless things though; spoon, nail file, corkscrew,… finally I opened something that passed as a dull short knife. She found me, we struggled, and I stabbed her. Deliberately on the front. She fell on her stomach. I stabbed her twice more. Once in the back of the neck. I recall the hesitation before each time, but the certain need of it too, and the exact amount of pressure that was required to break the resistance of her skin. As she lay on the ground in front of me, the man that I was really running from, approached. Tall, broad, bald, like a hit man thug.

I don’t remember anything else, only that there was a lot of other stuff going on. It was also striking just how many people were constantly surrounding me. I don’t recall ever having a dream that was so consistently overwhelmed by other people.

Crowd

To dream that you are in or part of a crowd suggests that you need some space for yourself. You need solitude to reflect on a situation and recharge your energy. Consider also the familiar phrase of "going along with the crowd" which implies conformity and lack of individuality. Perhaps you feel that your own opinion doesn't count or matter. Alternatively, dreaming of a crowd means that you need to incorporate the various aspects of the crowd into your own persona.

Seashells

To see seashells in your dream represent security and protection. You are not showing your true self or real feelings. In protecting yourself from getting hurt, you are also becoming reclusive and emotionally closed off.

Gun

To see a gun in your dream represents aggression, anger, and potential danger. You could be on the defensive about something. Or you may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence. Alternatively, a gun is a symbol of power and pride. Perhaps you are looking for shelter or protection in your dream. From a Freudian perspective, a gun represents the penis and male sexual drive. Thus, the gun may mean power or impotence, depending on whether the gun went off or misfired.

(If guns are a normal part of your life than this interpretation may not be accurate and merely a reflection of something you are involved with often.)

To dream that you shoot someone with a gun denotes your aggressive feeling and hidden anger toward that particular person. You may be trying to blame them for something.

Stab

To dream that you stab someone indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature. You are being overly defensive.

I may be a little defensive. Yes. And probably more than a little untrusting. I'm still unsure of what the crowding of people around me means though. I'm not overly crowded in my life. Though I am very overwhelmed right now.

<Dream 2>

This weekend I also had a dream that I was fighting as Sith. The Sith I was fighting used a double bladed staff like Darth Maul. I remember laughing in my mind because I had dual shoto and he didn’t stand a chance. Which he didn’t. I killed him. I knew this would end badly for me when I was discovered though. I ran back to my apartment to gather my things so I could take off. My bathroom had two stalls. One for my roommate (who was Buffy) and the other with all my shower supplies. For whatever reason Buffy was having sex in my shower with her boyfriend. I took a quick shower, grabbed one of her towels, and finally had to kick them out of my shower stall so I could get my stuff. As dropped the towel on top of my bench. At that moment the FBI/police walked in. One of them grabbed the towel and told them to analyze it for blood. Surely that was what I’d used to wipe my light sabers clean. What? In my mind I was laughing because who the fuck wipes a light saber blade clean? It’s vaporize whatever you were ‘cleaning’ it with instantly.  They determined that since my towel was clean I must not have killed the other guy. They left. There was something about mens shoes. I took off.

My brain is bizarre. And more than a little geektastic.

Even my Subconscious Knows

I love my dreams so much. Last night I had one that I found interesting. I won’t write the whole thing out because I’m missing big chunks of it.

At one point I remember sitting in a hotel/restaurant(?) l room which was set up sort of like a classroom with my brother, sister, and  a bunch of other people. There was some kind of contest. I had carved a very small jack-o-lantern. Apparently I won 1^st prize for it.

After the judging there were a few girls that walked by. One of them loudly critized me and put me down. I lashed back and gave her a very rational tearing down. Later I saw her alone, curled up on the ground by her locker crying. I went over to her. I told her she was a beautiful person that {she didn’t need to act that way to remain in control}.

Of course I looked up the significance of this.

To carve a Jack O' Lantern in your dream, suggests that you are trying to put on a tough or mean face. It refers to a superficial facade.

To see a hotel in your dream signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity.

To see someone else crying in your dream may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.   < ---- I refuse to cry in real life.

Apparently my dreams are trying to tell me I’m having identity issues. Shocking. I’m amused that my subconscious feels I’m doing a prize winning performance of maintaining a superficial façade though. It seems like this is causing a lot of pent of mental stress.

Lost in dreams

So I had an odd dream from last night. I actually remembered enough of it to write it down. I wonder what it all means.

I was supposed to be getting ready for my prom (I never went to prom in high school). I was going with my then best friend Nicole. I was making cupcakes with red frosting. The first batch of frosting wasn’t enough. My mom came over to help and she made some frosting to add to mine but it was disgusting so I had to fix it all. For whatever reason I was layering the cupcakes and pouring all the frosting over them like a cake in a flat pan. A short while later I became very anxious that this was not good enough and wanted to bake all new cupcakes and frost them individually. I only had a couple hours before I had to leave for the prom. I quickly ran to the grocery.  I was also supposed to make some kind of chicken dish which I didn’t think about until I’d already gotten back from the store.

In my travels I was back and forth between the school watching everyone come out in their formalwear. I was dressed in mine at some points, still needing to put on the finishing touches in others. I was in a black dress sleeveless, corseted, with gloves. I was having trouble decided which corset to wear over the dress, one black, one I think red. I was also having trouble lacing them. There were also issues in the school. I recall smoke from the hallways as if part of the building were on fire from within. (I'm missing pieces from this part)

At some point a friend came by. I needed to go with him/her(?) to get some papers signed, as a witness or just to go with. I said I would but I had to be back in 2 hours to get dressed. We went to a place. The interior was some kind of office reception area but it lead through areas that looked as if they belonged in a home, like a dining room. In the main conference Room area there was a bed for a table. There were chairs all around it. We were supposed to get M.E. to sign some kind of contract for an invention he’d created. (Yes, in my dreams M.E. is a guy). We’d never seen him though so didn’t know what he looked like. Some other people were filing in and taking seats. My friend asked if one of them was M.E.? No, it’s that guy over there with the yellow beard, he pointed. Just a guy in his mid to late 30’s, but with a bright yellow beard (not blonde, yellow).  

I saw some girls I knew (Kristin and Kat). We sat on the bed/table together. At one point I ran my fingers along Kristin’s clavicle and she nearly melted as she moaned. The three of us started fooling around on the bed in front of everyone. Eventually someone cleared their throats and we got out of the bed. M.E. gave us kind of a disgusted look and changed the sheets on the bed (also yellow). Then he began to sign the contract.

Soon after he gave a presentation unveiling his invention. It was some kind of fold out table shaped like a compass (like the kind you put a pencil in and draw circles with). People were pretty excited about it. I didn’t get the hype.

I needed to leave after this. It was time to get home so I could get ready for the dance. I couldn’t find my ride so a friend and I decided to walk. Somewhere along the road it seemed like we were being pursued. We ran through a gigantic field of lemons trying to lose them (Yeah, a field of lemon bushes – I know this isn’t how lemons grow). We ran up on some decking and back down into the fields trying to lose whoever was behind us. Finally we cross to the other side of the field where there was another road. I saw a familiar sign and we began walking in the direction we were (hopefully) supposed to be going. The whole time I was trying to calculate in my head just how much time I was losing, how late I would be, if I would have time to get dressed, if it would be ok if we were a little late for the dance.

Weird dream. I know.