Bacon......palooza!

Wow, what a fun party. I was absolutely outside of myself the entire time but it was a good affair for sure.  Friends wife made a comment yesterday that she realized I was drinking to cope with the crowd. This was true. Also just to cope with myself and my moods. I played it off well though. I slipped into a party persona and maintained a happy dancing demeanor. There were points I even truly enjoyed myself. So what made Bacon palooza, bacony? Well, the bacon of course. The point was for people to bring various experimental dishes in bacon to be judged on taste, creativity, and presentation.

I made: Sizzling Bacon Wrapped Apricots with a Cranberry Glaze Reduction and Bacon Bourbon Brownies.

I think I used too much bourbon in the brownies and they could have done with more sugar. However, the Sizzling Bacon Wrapped Apricots actually won me first prize in the bacon contest!! The irony of a strict vegetarian winning the Baron of Bacon trophy was not lost on anyone. The recipe was pretty simple too.

Sizzling Bacon-Wrapped Apricots with Cranberry Glaze

Ingredients

• 1 Tbsp cornstarch mixed with
• 1 1/2 teaspoons packed brown sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 12 slices maple-cured bacon, halved crosswise
• 24 dried apricots
• 1 1/2 cups Ocean Spray® 100% Juice Cranberry Juice Blend

Directions

1.      Boil cranberry juice blend in medium saucepan over high heat until reduced to 1 cup. Whisk in cornstarch, brown sugar, and nutmeg. Bring to a boil over medium heat and boil until thickened. Cool to room temperature. Reserve 1/2 cup of the glaze.

2.      Meanwhile, line rimmed baking sheet with foil; set wire rack over foil and spray with cooking spray. Wrap bacon halves around apricots and secure with wooden pick. Brush with glaze and place on wire rack.

3.      Broil 3 to 7 minutes, or until bacon in browned, turning once. Serve warm with reserved glaze.

I couldn’t turn mine because of the damned toothpicks so I ended up turning the oven on high and baking them for 10 minutes instead. I also just drizzled the glaze over the bacon/apricots when I was ready to serve them so they weren’t overpowered.

Nice. Easy. Award winning? Apparently!

I also made my Honey and Nuts Snow White yesterday. It’s a very Traditional Turkish dish that I’m working on for our Mediterranean dinner party. And man did I get it right this time! It’s basically a blancmange with oatmeal bottom crush and sautéed apples/walnuts and honey on top. It’s not the simplest of recipes but I’m stoked about it.

Honey and Nuts Snow White

Ingredients:

For the Filling:

3 cups milk

2/3 cup sugar
3 tbsp flour
1 tbsp starch
3/4 tsp vanilla
For the crust:
1 cup oatmeal

3 Tbsp butter

Honey (to taste)
For the top:
2 tbsp honey
½ cup walnuts, coarsely crushed
1 apple
2 tbsp sugar
½ tsp cinnamon

Crust: Mix oatmeal, melted butter and honey together and press onto the bottom of your baking vessel. I used a 9” pie plate. Bake at 350 degF until golden brown: approx 10-15 minutes.

To prepare the filling, take milk, sugar, starch and flour into a pot. Cook over medium heat while whisking. Once it is thickened turn off heat. Stir in vanilla. Set aside.

Meanwhile, peel the apple and chop into small cubes. Cook them in a saucepan with sugar until their color changes to pinkish.

Pour the filling over the crust and let it cool for a while. Place the cooked apples all over and drizzle with honey. Sprinkle with walnuts and cinnamon. Serve cold.

Not too sweet, perfectly creamy, delicious. I’m so excited about this.

I also got to work on my light sabers a little bit yesterday! Friend and I cut down the hilts to the size I intend to wield and drilled out the attachment holes. Once that was done we busted out the liquid epoxy and attached the labradorite spheres I’m using as pommels and made the initial attachment. I’ve decided to depart from my previous use of amethyst inlaid crystal in favor of a dichroic glass accented display. The stones I have are beautiful. I hope it all turns out =) I have to say though, I have not been a fan of working with the sculpting epoxy I have. Granted I’ve been working with the lamest tools ever; namely a dull pencil, which I imagine is also contributing to my frustration. I’m definitely going to try to get these things to achieve the twisted organic look that I want. If not, I do have a backup plan, but I want to push my ideas forward to the next level. Not just settle for what I know I can do.  

Mirror, Mirror - #Trust30: Day 3

Mirror, Mirror by Esther Poyer

“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.

I find this exercise repulsive.

The thought of looking into my own eyes only to see a stranger staring back at me is, disconcerting. I recognize the girl on the other side of the mirror.

She has my father’s eyes, my mother’s nose. Cherry black hair and more metal than half the machines out in my shop, but she isn’t me. Is she? Maybe she is and I just can’t see, beyond the surface layer of skin and sinew that binds me up inside.

I’d find her attractive if she wasn’t so comfortably unfamiliar.

Floating two feet to the left of me I sense my motions walking through a world detached from the rest of me. Too often it feels like watching some other force pilot a body I recognize as my own, watching the reactions to my movements to guess the next step that someone else will be taking. It’s worse when I think about it. The detachment more pronounced. Staring at myself is all the more disconcerting for the knowledge that I should know who this woman is. Cognitively I know that I should see her and internalize that she is me, and cognitively I do know what she is, but I have no attachment to my reflection. She’s who I want my physical Self to appear to be. But is she really me?  Hm, in part I believe she is. Certain things draw my eye. I am attracted to certain things, so naturally I want to incorporate those things into my Self. Isn’t that how we develop our personalities and self image growing up? We see things we appreciate, mimic them, until we make them our own. I’m well past the mimicry. What draws us is integral to that which we are so what I see is who I want to be. On the outside.  Fortunately for me, I can’t see my insides reflected on this glass. A sight I’ve seen before. That is a part of me, that should stay where it belongs. Blood and tissue, fat and tears; things I work to keep from my mirror. I don’t want to see what I know is actually there. Don’t want to see who I’m afraid I might be. I don’t want to look. Nothing you can do, can make me.

Eyes lie. Telling me this is someone I am, who I should be, who I can be. Maybe this time she's telling the truth, but her words have proven false so many times I no longer know the sound of words ringing true. Pretty words from soft lips look like promises wrapped in a straight jacket of gold. The madness she feels is real. Truth.

Writing this was very triggering and I had to stop.
 

Nothing to Lose: #Trust30 - Day 2

Nothing to Lose

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, out inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

(Author: Tanner Christensen)

I sensor myself for practical reasons, though I can feel it stifling the life from my very being as I do it.

Self-abandonment. No wonder I always feel so removed from my sense of self. I’m denying a part of it, effectively abandoning me to the roadside of my personality. Fail.

I would love to let my inner child out to play. Unfortunately my inner child has something of a temper and it’s best to keep her reigned in when necessary. Is this censorship? Perhaps. Is it necessary? Only, if I want to keep my friends and family from finding another playground. So often I want to rage, scream, laugh, cry… and I hold it in. If I release my self-control in one area, it’s harder for me to control myself in other areas where I absolutely need to maintain my calm exterior. My mask is collected and cool and provides a very competent face to show to the audience I surround myself with. Without this persona I would have a more difficult time functioning in the real world, with real people, who lead relatively normal lives and don’t have my mental mountains to climb.

Why have I chosen this audience? I honestly don’t know some days. I’m dissatisfied with my job and it’s lack of creativity, but I understand the dynamic and I can suit myself to the environment easily enough. Maybe I don’t know who I really am enough. It’s easy for me to observe a situation and analyze the best way to fit in. It’s easier for me to put on a costume. If my acting isn’t sufficient than it’s not necessarily me that’s failed, but my ability to maintain a persona that isn’t actually me. I’m not judged, my created character is. Censoring myself is a means to protect. 

Nothing to fear, nothing to lose. I would burn the world in effigy and watch in turn to ash and cinder as I painted the most beautiful portraits of death in destruction. Death of my social life. If I had no censor I would drive away all those around me with the shear acidity of caustically raining words that move me into tactlessness. I like my friends. I'd like to keep my friends. It may be more a betrayal of self to not censor myself in some ways.

I think the world would be a very unfriendly place, well, even less friendly, if we didn’t censor ourselves on some level. Either that or we would be a race of the most hyper-efficient robot humans ever. Hmmmm…..

Worthwhile Day: #Trust30 - Day 1

Taking this prompt from Interruption I’ve decided to also look into the Ralph Waldo Emerson #Trust30 Challenge. It started back in May but as I’m just discovering it now I shall start, well, now. This will be something I do back and forth between this Beyond and Asylum. I’ll flip back and forth between my blogs depending on which I believe it is most relevant towards, or cross post on both.

#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey.

Worthwhile Day by Jessica Dang

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.”

What is one thing you can do that would make today worthwhile? What’s stopping you from getting started right now?

Today I am tired. So very, very tired. What could make this day worthwhile are three things.

1.      Schedule an appointment with my therapist

2.      Work on my light saber

3.      Paint

Mondays are usually my days for therapy but as this was a holiday my appointment needed to be cancelled and rescheduled. Therapist left me a voicemail to reschedule for Tuesday which I promptly ignored. I know I shouldn’t have, just out of politeness, but I hate scheduling things like that. It was my day off and I didn’t want to interrupt my day of potential freedom. I regret it now. I just, have an aversion to rescheduling on days I am not prepared for. It makes me anxious. I fight it. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Even when I know it’s something I need. It didin’t fall into a slip of time I saw as open and therefore I pushed it aside and forgot about it, even as the seeds of sadness and depression have been clawing their way deeper into my mind.

I scheduled an emergency appointment with my therapist today. This is the first time I’ve ever done that. She seemed flustered, but accommodating. Maybe she wasn’t expecting to hear from me. Maybe her schedule was busy. But she took me anyway. All I can hope is that I feel better, sooner. I recognize that I need to do this for me. No one else can make me seek the help I need. I’ve known this. I need to not forget this.

Now for the fun. The fun is tempered by the weariness in my arms. I slept well for a change (thank you Trazadone). I recently received the no-bake epoxy I’ll be using to fashion the aesthetics of my light sabers. Last night I sat down with this new medium for the first time and set out to sculpt an idea for my hilts. I must say, it came out only barely resembling what I’m hoping to do. I was frustrated but not completely disheartened. By the end of the hour I spent I had:

- Gained an understanding of how to mold the epoxy.

- Formed a new idea of how to approach the design details that I want.

- Tried a medium that I’ve never used before, by myself, without any guidance.

So I wouldn’t call the night a failure. Especially as I’ll have time to sit down tonight and take a go at Round 2. If this doesn’t work, than I can always do what I did for my last light saber hilts. I like how those turned out and I know I can do that style (only better). Oh, creative process, how you frustrate and compel me.

Paint. I dearly love to paint. With my mind so weighed down in a thick grey fog it’s been difficult for me to be inspired. I  started a piece on Tuesday. Barely. I primed the paper and painted it all black. I’m trying something new. Water. A waterfall at night to be precise. We’ll see how it comes out. I was inspired by the meditation of a tarot card I did. One I’m designing on my own and in order to create the image I want, I will need to know how to do water. So of course, my next step is to figure out how to paint water that flows and spills. One goal to another to another goal. Except the real goal is the process itself. Yes, there will be something to point to at the end, but it is the journey of how I’ve gotten there that is what really means the most to me.

crossposted Beyond

Independence of Personal Demons and Angels

So I've stumbled across Studio 30+ and I'm gonna give it a go. In fact, any other writing prompt site you can throw at me I'd love to check out. This weeks prompt:

Independence:

Independence is a struggle. Independence takes work. Freedom may be the outcome but Independence itself is not free.

I’ve struggled so much in my life trying to maintain a personal level of freedom and Independence.

As I just mentioned today in my other blog, the struggle for independence between myself and my parents was, challenging.

I was told to be independent. At the same time, my parents structured and scheduled my entire life away, effectively ensuring that I had no time with which to be independent. Beginning at the age of 7 I played softball, was in karate, was a gymnast, played piano, was in an accelerated learning school (yeah, yeah I was gifted), and at any given time was trying other sports/clubs like soccer, volleyball, more softball leagues (I was in 3 at one time), art club, science club, pep club, Drama… you name it, I was in it.

I was every parents dream! Until the little terror in me began creeping out into the night which was the only place I found real freedom.

I was both an angel and a demon. Excelling at school and sports during the day. Falling to alcohol and vandalism at night. Eventually the pressure became too much and the need to be free began to take over completely. I would focus less on the creative, and embrace the destruction I found myself consumed by.

Lacking a healthy outlet for my own independence I railed against the externally imposed structure, rebelling, destructive, deteriorating… but free. This kind of freedom came at a cost. I’d escape the hands of my parents clawing to keep me held into their safe, idealized little world only to be bound by my own mental traps and chains. Freedom from one only to be caged by another.

In never knowing a proper balance, I couldn’t recognize what it looked like in order to establish it.

Even now as I have entered into my 30s I struggle with finding this balance. I struggle with needing others and needing to be free from the restraints that others might see fit to impose upon me. At once rebelling against authority, and embracing the need for the guidance it provides.  

By my own hand or others, I’m a restricted rebel.

Blueberry Muffins

Wednesday mornings are the big breakfast mornings for the guys out in the shop and my team of engineers. We all gather out in the small test lab and one of the guys makes epic breakfast sandwiches, someone usually brings fruit, etc. Well everyone is going on vacation this week because it’s a short week at work (yesterday and today we were given off for holiday), so I’m making blueberry muffins to bring in for the guys at work. I have to say, they muffins I made are pretty epic. Hope they like them. Here’s the recipe if you are so inclined to try them. I used fresh blueberries and rolled them in flour first before folding them into the batter. Do not over beat the batter at any point. Rolling them in flour first allows them to remain ‘floating’ in the batter so they don’t all sink to the bottom.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter

1 cup granulated sugar

2 large eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 1/2 cups fresh blueberries or 2 1/2 cups frozen blueberries

2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup milk

For Topping

1 tablespoon granulated sugar, mixed with

1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

Directions

Heat oven to 375°.

Grease 18 regular-size muffin cups (or 12 large size muffins).

In bowl, mix butter until creamy. Add sugar and beat until pale and fluffy.

Add eggs one at a time, beating after each.

Beat in vanilla, baking powder and salt.

With spoon, fold in half of flour then half of milk into batter; repeat.

Fold in blueberries.

Spoon into muffin cups and sprinkle topping onto each muffin.

Bake 20 to 30 minutes, until golden brown and springy to touch. (I did 25 minutes).

From the Inferno

Rises my newest painting hahah. I'm so cheesy.